What are you doing to your kids??!!!
A friend's parents are going through a divorce. I'm not supposed to know. But the point is moot because I do. I always do. That kind of pain is very hard to mask, don't you think?
Why do parents inflict this on their children whom thet profess to love? What happened to looking out for the mental and emotional health of your kids? If you loved your children, wouldn't you want to ensure that they would have the best, not the worst? And looking out for your kids is more than just providing them with a roof over their heads, food and water, clothes, and all the rest of the material jazz. Parents, your children's mental and emotional health is YOUR responsibility!!!!
My friend's parents are getting a divorce. That kind of information is really hard to absorb, innit? I don't know what to do, what to say... I mean, I'm not supposed to know... So like, what am I supposed to do? That's the hard part. Worse when they just try to pretend that everything's peachy at home... Emotional pain is worse than physical. Looking at the situation, I think I would prefer to be stabbed straight in the heart rather than have to go through all the emotional and intellectual jazz.
Parents, do you know what your divorce is doing to your child? It doesn't matter how old your child/children are when you get a divorce. It doesn't matter whether the divorce is amicable or violently contested, whether there is a prenuptial or not, whether you agree on joint custody or not. The fact remains that the family will no longer exist. Don't you understand that when a family breaks up, the child/children are scarred, possibly for the rest of his/her/their life/lives. All the therapy in the world cannot put a damaged psyche together again.
When a family breaks up, a child is more often than not caught in the middle. In a divorce, the children become commodities to be fought over; custody battles can literally tear a child in two. The child often is either not given a choice as to which parent to live with, or if older, is forced to choose between the mother and the father. It may not have occured to parents that in forcing a child to choose, they are in effect asking the unanswerable question of 'Who do you love more? Mummy or Daddy?' How is a child supposed to choose?
A child WILL take the blame of the break up on his or herself. Especially with young children and even to a certain extent teenagers, blame for the break up will, in their eyes, lie on them. Often they attribute the break up to the most recent 'bad' even that occured or in the case of a teen, a personal attribute. Children will assume that the break up occures because they stole a cookie, broke a glass, fought with their sibling, etc., while a teen assumes that it occured because they aren't good enough, strong enough, didn't do their best to keep the peace at home, are not a 'good'/filial/loving child, etc. No matter how many times you try to explain to them it is not their fault, until they internalise it, they will never really understand that nothing they could have done or didn't do could have changed the outcome once their parents have decided.
The blame that they have taken on themselves becomes internalised and ultimately becomes part of their psyche. This then manifests itself later on in their lives as various mental/emotional issues. They have a diminshed sense of self, are more prone to depression, more pessimistic, less amenable to change, less likely to do well in school and at work, the list goes on. Please note that while I am a psychology major, the preceding and proceeding observations are in no way authoratitve. They are products of my extended observation only.
Especially in Asian culture, we are taught not to air our dirty laundry, i.e not to speak of family problems to anyone outside the immediate circle. The Asian concept of 'face' permeates all the levels of relationships, from familial to acquaintenceships. The immediate consequence of this in the family means that we must, at all times, preserve the image of a perfect family, in harmony. To the outside world, problems do not exist. Where, then, can a child got to for understanding and help? The family is in turmoil, sides are taken, lines are drawn, fights, arguments, quarrels, events, all take on unecessary significance in the child's world. Friends are out of bounds since they are outside the family.
Such a culture encourages the child to keep problems to him/herself. Emotional pain intensifies with every fight over anything that happens in the house (Note: It is no longer a home.) Each fight reinforces the child's impression that its his/her fault. Don't think that by doing your fighting in you bedroomis going to suddenly render the kid deaf and stupid. Try not to fool yourselves too much. Like he isn't going to know what you're doing in there anyway. Children are remarkably smart. And they do have eyes and ears. The horror,the horror! *swoon*
The divorce process is a traumatising one, for all parties involved. If it's this bad for the divorcing parties, think about how bad it is for the kids. Seeing your parents fight over the pet dog and the carpet in no way enhances a child's faith in his parents, and by extension, the rest of the world.
Divorce can be prevented, for heaven's sake. Like by figuring out if you really want to spend the rest of your lives together BEFORE you hit the altar. Not AFTER. Remember, it is 'Till Death do us part' after all, not 'Till the Legal Documents do us part'. Your wedding vows are meant to be taken seriously. Divorces have become too easy to obtain, especially with the 'no-contest' divorce, the 'incompatible' clause... Marriages are not meant to be 'tried out'. They are commitments, promises, vows, covenants, between two people to make it work. Even if he or she isn't 'The One', once you get married, he/she is! If you made a wrong choice, try to make it work anyway. That's what a married couple does.
This is where relationships come in. If you don't have a decent relationship with the requisite communication channels, understandings of each other, and so on, how do you expect to have a working marriage? Not that a good relationship makes for a perfect marriage; there will always be times in a marriage where couple rubs each other the wrong way, especially in the beginning stages where they are getting used to living with each other's weird habits like squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, leaving his socks/her makeup strewn over the floor/dresser, etc. But having good communication and understanding how the other party works eases the transition as the couple is able to work things out without a full-out conflagration. It's called discussion and compromise.
Too often our view of marriage has been tainted by the ridiculous movies and books where married couples are as in love with each other in the 30th year of their marriage as in the 1st. We think there should always be flaming passion, rolls in the hay/on the bed 3 times a day; if not then we think the relationship/ marriage isn't working. It's normal not to have hot sex every night. If it was, we'd be up to our ears in kids. The key to a good marriage is open communication and transparency. Don't hold things back from your partner. This goes for any relationship as well. If you hold things back, you assume that your partner is doing the same, and this creates an atmosphere of distrust, causing channels of communication to be choked with suspicion.
All that leads to fights, less communication, and when one party can't take it anymore, it leads to divorce. People think that if you divorce when your kids are older and can understand what's going on, it'll be easier. Bull. All that serves to do it create polarisation within the family unit. Parents 'explain' to their kids the 'relevant' reasons for the divorce, and in doing so consciously or subconsciously, seek to influence them towards their way of thinking, that Mum/Dad is the victim, that it's his/her fault, not mine, that he/she stopped loving us first, that's why we're getting a divorce. Children start taking sides, and camps evolve. Just the divorce process itelf not only sets husband against wife, but also child against parent. Whether or not a divorce actually takes place, the damage is done.
Divorce is, at its root, selfishness. When one party thinks that he/she could do better with someone else, or even on his/her own, when the love in a relationship is beaten down and torn out by anger, bitterness, suspicion, and fear, when people start looking out for themselves instead of for their partner or the best interests of the relationship, it lays the foundations for a nasty divorce.
Sigh... Such are people...
Oh well.... I don't have much left to say... To my precious friend, you know who you are... Know that I love you!!! God loves you too, honey, and He'll always be there for you, especially when I can't. You couldn't have helped it, baby... I love you!!!
Kiss kiss!!
Why do parents inflict this on their children whom thet profess to love? What happened to looking out for the mental and emotional health of your kids? If you loved your children, wouldn't you want to ensure that they would have the best, not the worst? And looking out for your kids is more than just providing them with a roof over their heads, food and water, clothes, and all the rest of the material jazz. Parents, your children's mental and emotional health is YOUR responsibility!!!!
My friend's parents are getting a divorce. That kind of information is really hard to absorb, innit? I don't know what to do, what to say... I mean, I'm not supposed to know... So like, what am I supposed to do? That's the hard part. Worse when they just try to pretend that everything's peachy at home... Emotional pain is worse than physical. Looking at the situation, I think I would prefer to be stabbed straight in the heart rather than have to go through all the emotional and intellectual jazz.
Parents, do you know what your divorce is doing to your child? It doesn't matter how old your child/children are when you get a divorce. It doesn't matter whether the divorce is amicable or violently contested, whether there is a prenuptial or not, whether you agree on joint custody or not. The fact remains that the family will no longer exist. Don't you understand that when a family breaks up, the child/children are scarred, possibly for the rest of his/her/their life/lives. All the therapy in the world cannot put a damaged psyche together again.
When a family breaks up, a child is more often than not caught in the middle. In a divorce, the children become commodities to be fought over; custody battles can literally tear a child in two. The child often is either not given a choice as to which parent to live with, or if older, is forced to choose between the mother and the father. It may not have occured to parents that in forcing a child to choose, they are in effect asking the unanswerable question of 'Who do you love more? Mummy or Daddy?' How is a child supposed to choose?
A child WILL take the blame of the break up on his or herself. Especially with young children and even to a certain extent teenagers, blame for the break up will, in their eyes, lie on them. Often they attribute the break up to the most recent 'bad' even that occured or in the case of a teen, a personal attribute. Children will assume that the break up occures because they stole a cookie, broke a glass, fought with their sibling, etc., while a teen assumes that it occured because they aren't good enough, strong enough, didn't do their best to keep the peace at home, are not a 'good'/filial/loving child, etc. No matter how many times you try to explain to them it is not their fault, until they internalise it, they will never really understand that nothing they could have done or didn't do could have changed the outcome once their parents have decided.
The blame that they have taken on themselves becomes internalised and ultimately becomes part of their psyche. This then manifests itself later on in their lives as various mental/emotional issues. They have a diminshed sense of self, are more prone to depression, more pessimistic, less amenable to change, less likely to do well in school and at work, the list goes on. Please note that while I am a psychology major, the preceding and proceeding observations are in no way authoratitve. They are products of my extended observation only.
Especially in Asian culture, we are taught not to air our dirty laundry, i.e not to speak of family problems to anyone outside the immediate circle. The Asian concept of 'face' permeates all the levels of relationships, from familial to acquaintenceships. The immediate consequence of this in the family means that we must, at all times, preserve the image of a perfect family, in harmony. To the outside world, problems do not exist. Where, then, can a child got to for understanding and help? The family is in turmoil, sides are taken, lines are drawn, fights, arguments, quarrels, events, all take on unecessary significance in the child's world. Friends are out of bounds since they are outside the family.
Such a culture encourages the child to keep problems to him/herself. Emotional pain intensifies with every fight over anything that happens in the house (Note: It is no longer a home.) Each fight reinforces the child's impression that its his/her fault. Don't think that by doing your fighting in you bedroomis going to suddenly render the kid deaf and stupid. Try not to fool yourselves too much. Like he isn't going to know what you're doing in there anyway. Children are remarkably smart. And they do have eyes and ears. The horror,the horror! *swoon*
The divorce process is a traumatising one, for all parties involved. If it's this bad for the divorcing parties, think about how bad it is for the kids. Seeing your parents fight over the pet dog and the carpet in no way enhances a child's faith in his parents, and by extension, the rest of the world.
Divorce can be prevented, for heaven's sake. Like by figuring out if you really want to spend the rest of your lives together BEFORE you hit the altar. Not AFTER. Remember, it is 'Till Death do us part' after all, not 'Till the Legal Documents do us part'. Your wedding vows are meant to be taken seriously. Divorces have become too easy to obtain, especially with the 'no-contest' divorce, the 'incompatible' clause... Marriages are not meant to be 'tried out'. They are commitments, promises, vows, covenants, between two people to make it work. Even if he or she isn't 'The One', once you get married, he/she is! If you made a wrong choice, try to make it work anyway. That's what a married couple does.
This is where relationships come in. If you don't have a decent relationship with the requisite communication channels, understandings of each other, and so on, how do you expect to have a working marriage? Not that a good relationship makes for a perfect marriage; there will always be times in a marriage where couple rubs each other the wrong way, especially in the beginning stages where they are getting used to living with each other's weird habits like squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, leaving his socks/her makeup strewn over the floor/dresser, etc. But having good communication and understanding how the other party works eases the transition as the couple is able to work things out without a full-out conflagration. It's called discussion and compromise.
Too often our view of marriage has been tainted by the ridiculous movies and books where married couples are as in love with each other in the 30th year of their marriage as in the 1st. We think there should always be flaming passion, rolls in the hay/on the bed 3 times a day; if not then we think the relationship/ marriage isn't working. It's normal not to have hot sex every night. If it was, we'd be up to our ears in kids. The key to a good marriage is open communication and transparency. Don't hold things back from your partner. This goes for any relationship as well. If you hold things back, you assume that your partner is doing the same, and this creates an atmosphere of distrust, causing channels of communication to be choked with suspicion.
All that leads to fights, less communication, and when one party can't take it anymore, it leads to divorce. People think that if you divorce when your kids are older and can understand what's going on, it'll be easier. Bull. All that serves to do it create polarisation within the family unit. Parents 'explain' to their kids the 'relevant' reasons for the divorce, and in doing so consciously or subconsciously, seek to influence them towards their way of thinking, that Mum/Dad is the victim, that it's his/her fault, not mine, that he/she stopped loving us first, that's why we're getting a divorce. Children start taking sides, and camps evolve. Just the divorce process itelf not only sets husband against wife, but also child against parent. Whether or not a divorce actually takes place, the damage is done.
Divorce is, at its root, selfishness. When one party thinks that he/she could do better with someone else, or even on his/her own, when the love in a relationship is beaten down and torn out by anger, bitterness, suspicion, and fear, when people start looking out for themselves instead of for their partner or the best interests of the relationship, it lays the foundations for a nasty divorce.
Sigh... Such are people...
Oh well.... I don't have much left to say... To my precious friend, you know who you are... Know that I love you!!! God loves you too, honey, and He'll always be there for you, especially when I can't. You couldn't have helped it, baby... I love you!!!
Kiss kiss!!
posted by butterflyblade at 2:13 PM
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